Depress-depressan Mode Ovah!

Okay. I AM NOT DEPRESSED... na.

Hahhahaahha! Over the weekend emo-mode ako. Ayun tuloy di ko nakita ang Spice dabarkads! Hahahah potek natatawa ako... Spice dabarkads! ahhaha parang G-Mik lang! hahahaha! Hay ang "tanda" ko na! G-Mik pa naalala ko... di ko na nga alam kung anong usong teen shows ngayon.

Heniwei... di ko pa masabi sa kanila nung start kasi I'm like so shy and all. Kahit nga kina Mama ayoko rin sana sabihin kaso hello ang hirap rin kung hindi sabihin kina Mama kasi kulang na lang hanapan na nila ako ng tirahan dun! Hahahah! Kaya sila agad sinabihan ko para tumigil na ang delusion nila. Although gabi na nung sinabi ko kahit tanghali pa lang nung Friday eh alam ko na.

Matutulog na ako dapat nun kasi kakagaling ko lang badminton. Eh mga 630-930am yung laro namin, so pagdating sa bahay eh konti na lang babagsak na yung mata ko sa sobrang antok... Pero dahil ayoko matulog ng gross ako... so naligo muna ako kasi hello lang! Basura mode much ako after nung laro. As always! Napipiga ko na yung pawis na naipon sa pony tail ko! Yucky kadiri but oh so refreshing! Tagal ko na kasing di nagpapawis ng bongga.

Ang saya ko pa pagkarating sa bahay... Kaso around 11am after ko makapagroutine ligo, hilamos, toothbrush, body lotion all over, at mag-moisturizer ng mukha (in fairness ngayong pinagpapawisan na ulit ako unti unting nag-didisappear mga kapimpolan ko sa mukha... yun nga lang hello scars everywhere! Buti na lang yung iba maganda yung pwesto... nagmumukha lang akong may dimple.... yung iba naman... hayuf sa pwesto! Para akong caricature na may freckles sa pisngi... But instead of freckles, ay pimpeeeels! Buti na lang naidadaan sa angle ng camera at sa instagram editing kaya lumalabas pa rin yung tunay kong gandang natatabunan ng sandamakmak na pimple peklat! Pero ayos lang wala pa rin naman akong keloid sa ilong! Labyu Hubes! Sana di mo mabasa to! Hahahah!) And as always, I digress...

So after everything, hihiga na ako dapat sa aking walang kamatayang pwesto sa sahig sa tabi ng sopa (pwesto selected as such para makapagtago sa sikat ng araw na tumatagos sa kurtina kong makapal hindi lang sa tela kundi sa naipong alikabok na rin)... tapos naisip ko... macheck nga yung instagram (my favorite app these days) baka may astig na picture. I like looking at beautiful pictures ng kung anu-anong bagay. Pano ba namang hindi... eh beautiful picture nakikita ko araw-araw sa salamin... I like funny pictures rin... Kasi kung yung ibang tao ay crazy, beautiful (sabi nga nung movie), ako naman ay funny, beautiful! Hahahahha! Uupakan ko yung kumontra dun sa beautiful part!

Pagkabukas ng tab, Lo and behold! May email ako galing dun sa kumokontak sa akin for interviews. Siyempre nginig nginig to the bones. Pero yung ini-expect ko na sagot ay yung tipong.. wala pang feedback from client yada yada... KASO NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ayoko na ireiterate yung exact words dito.... pero absolute value 1 enclosed in a parenthesis multiplied by -1... In short... NEGA yung sagot. Para mas malinaw ganito: (|1|) * -1 = -1

GETS?! Gano man kapositive yung simula kung may negative sa huli... Negative pa rin! Anaknangshet!

So ayun... yung antok  na antok kong utak.. biglang nag-overdrive to overwhelming sadness. Di naman ako naiiyak or anything nung time na yun. Pero basta alam mo yung parang masakit sa puso ng slight. Hahahaahah! Ewan baka hineheart attack na pala ako dahil sa size ko tapos naisisi ko lang sa balitang natanggap ko that time... pero basta that's what it felt. So ayun. Tulala mode ako for about 10 minutes pero I can't help thinking... I can't waste my waking time staring at the stupid ceiling. So internet galore na lang muna ako to take my mind off of things. So ayun... nasobrahan naman ako sa aliw dun sa game na nilalaro ko... at sa kung anu-anong bagay na pwedeng mabasa... around 2PM na ako nakatulog. Kung hindi sumakit yung ulo ko sa sobrang pagod at antok... di pa siguro ako makakatulog kasi nakaover drive pa ako... Salamat sa Diyos Friday ko natanggap yung news. Alam niyang pagod ako when I arrive home and I wouldn't have time to dwell on things too much kasi yung katawan ko na mismo yung bibigay.

Yun nga lang... Hello weekend!!!! Hahahah! Enough time to think things through. So ayun... emo-mode ako through the entire weekend. Iniwan ko phone ko sa kotse para wala akong makausap. Sa internet kasi pwede ka pa rin magtago. Hahhahaha Sorry Des! After mo mag-msg inoff ko na yung wifi ko! Kasi di ko pa kaya makipagusap.

Ang mali ko lang... nakalimutan ko baliw mode nga pala yung parents ko... Pagkakita ko nung Lunes nung phone ko... ahehe... sandamakmak na calls from Kai, Des and fatherhood. Pero ni-msg ko naman sila Papa sa FB... so alam  nilang kahit emo ako... eh buhay pa rin naman ako...

So ayun... after thinking things through... I realized... hello!!! February pa lang! I have the rest of the year to look for a new one, God-permitting. OR at the very least, I have the rest of the year to distract myself with travelling all over this beautiful country called Pilipinas!

So masaya na ulit ako!
Boracay and Baguio for April. Davao and Vietnam (?) for May. Cebu on June!

Sana di puro drowing to travel plans ko. Wahow! Wahow! Happy thoughts! Cahmowndaaaawn!!!

Langit-Lupa Ninja Version

Namimiss ko na 'to.

Gaya lang siya ng regular langit-lupa. Pero may alloted area for the langit. Pero kung makakalipat ka sa ibang mataas na lugar, a.k.a. langit, na di ka nakikita ng buwaya* kasi nag-ala-NINJA ka... pwede lumipat. Pero kung nakita ka ng buwaya na lumilipat ng langit, ikaw na yung buwaya. Kaya kelangan magaling ka kung mag-ni-ninja ka!

* Buwaya tawag sa taya sa amin dati... kaya naman naging nickname ng isa kong pinsan ay Buwaya... kahit maganda siya... parati naman siyang taya kasi mahilig sumali kahit ayaw namin pasalihin kasi kami "mature" na nun... siya bata pa... i.e. gradeschool na, siya kinder pa.. hahaha! kaya pinagtutulungan namin siya para di na siya sumali.... kaso mahilig sumali kahit sinasabihan namin na huwag na... ayun tuloy Buwaya na siya ngayon hahaha! KAMI = mga naunang apong ipinanganak sa Baron Clan.

Bye Tito Nonong...

Ngayon ko lang inattempt isulat to kasi everytime naiisip ko na wala na si tito naiiyak ako. Still remains true right now. Ayoko pa sana isulat to kaso parang unfair na di malaman ng mundo na wala na yung isa sa kakarampot na matinong taong nanirahan dito.

Siyempre tito ko siya so malamang alam ko naman yung general kwento behind his death. Pero naisipan ko pa rin i-google kung may makikita ba akong news about it sa net. Meron naman. Kaso di ko maaccess.
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Ang tito ko na kilala ng Iloilo bilang Mayor Zafiro S. Palabrica ay kilala naman naming magpipinsan as Tito Nonong. Di ko na ikukuwento yung accomplishments niya kasi pwede mo yun i-google. Ikwekwento ko na lang kung pano ko siya kilala.

Pito sila nila Papa. 4 sila na lalaki. Siya yung panganay na lalaki, papa ko naman yung bunsong lalaki.
(The other brothers: Si Tito Otto ko, di ko na nakilala. Di pa ako pinapanganak ng pinatay siya. Paborito niyang kanta yung Aubrey na ipinangalan naman sa kapatid ko. Si Tito Ilo naman, bihira ko lang makita.) 

Despite the age gap (70 si tito, tito sorry kung mali, tapos 60 naman si papa) and the geographical gap between them (Iloilo based si tito, pakalat kalat naman yung tatay ko) siya yung kapatid ni Papa na pinakamadalas kong makita. Pinupuntahan niya kami madalas kung san man kami nakatira.. Samar, QC, Subic, etc. Kami naman, madalas nakikitira sa bahay nila Tito pag pumupunta kaming Iloilo. Bingawan kasi yung madalas namin na destinasyon.

Dahil sa mga project niya sa probinsya... alam ko kung ano yung best na "farm vacation". Agriculture kasi ata dati yung focus ng projects niya. Basta, dabest talaga pag umuuwi kami ng Binggawan dati. Probinsiyang probinsiya talaga but NEVER naging boring.

I remember him being excited about the little things nung maliliit pa kami. Yung tipong ipa-experience sa amin yung pagsakay ng kalabaw for the first time. Ipakita yung bago niyang project na mga fish pond. Siyempre kaming mga bata di naman alam yung halaga ng mga project niya pero pag siya nagkwekwento maeexcite ka kasi talaga, kasi kasama ng projects ay yung adventure that comes along with it.

Nung medyo matanda-tanda na kami alam ko kakampi naman siya ni Papa sa paglecture sa akin sa kung pano wag magpa-api sa lalaki. Not that I needed it, pero siyempre nakinig pa rin ako. Mabait ako eh. Hahaha! Pero yun nga, I remember naglelecture silang dalawa kung anong uunahin kung suntukin/sipain sa lalaki/babae kapag daw biglang may attacker. Di ko na maalala kung sino exactly yung nagsabi ng alin kasi pag nagsalita yung isa mag-aagree lang yung isa tapos elaborate with actions. Pag lalaki daw, i-karate chop ko daw muna yung adam's apple sabay dukot sa mata. Kasi pag tinamaan adam's apple di na makakahinga agad yun. Double attack kaagad para wala ng chance gumanti. Pag babae naman daw, sipa pa rin sa groin/grab ng boobs/suntok sa tiyan... kasi kahit wala tayong balls na girls masakit pa rin daw yun pag sinipa mo ng malakas... yan ang lessons nila sa akin. Marami pa actually pero yoko na ikwento kasi baka may makabasang evil.

 Later on.. nung malaman ni tito na umaakyat ako ng bundok... unlike Papa and Mama na ayaw talaga ako umakyat... niyaya niya ako umuwi ng Iloilo para daw maakyat ko mga bundok dun. I kept saying.. "Sige Tito... pag nakabakasyon ako ulit sa Iloilo... promise ha?!"

Little did I know na yung magdadala ulit sa akin sa Iloilo eh yung pagkawala niya. Sorry 'to. Di na kita makakasama umakyat o kahit man lang simpleng tambay lang sa likod ng bahay niyo.

Di man kita madalas makita. I always just knew na in few months andito ka na naman sa Manila/Subic... kaso ngayon... I'll have to settle for the few memories that I have of you. Ayus na rin siguro yung few... kasi feeling ko kung mas madami gaya ng meron sila Ping at 'te My... baka mas masakit rin yung pagkawala niyo.

Kita kita na lang sa mata 'to. Love you!

Naisip ko lang...

Sabi kasi ni Santo... yung isang officemate ko dito na mahilig sa films... ang magagandang movies... tragic o kaya bitter-sweet kadalasan... kasi nga naman... kung happy happy joy joy nga naman yung  movie... wala ka na masyado kelangan isipin kasi nakuha mo na yung great escape na hinahanap hanap mo pag nanonood ka ng movie...

Pero kung tragic o bitter-sweet... napipilitan ka mag-isip about the "what-might/could-have-beens"... Napanood ko kahapon sa TV (aside from the controversial win ni Pacquiao... I DONK KIR kahit controversial... at kahit mukhang madalas di siya kumukonek sa mga suntok niya... pero kokontra ka pa ba sa Compubox? at sa dalawang judge? besides kung gusto ni Marquez ng sure-win... eh di dapat pinatumba niya si Pacquiao... o kaya sumuntok siya ng mas madami para obvious na obvious sa mga judge na mas madami siyang tama kay Pacquiao... siya tong underdog eh... dapat nagpakitang gilas siya parang wala ng controversy controversy shit.)...

Anyway... as I was saying... napanood ko kahapon sa TV... umaangat na naman daw yung movie industry ng Pilipinas dahil sa Praybeyt Benjamin at sa No Other Woman ata... Haven't watched either... so di ko alam kung ayos ba talaga sila.... Alam ko lang comedy ata yung Praybeyt Benjamin...

Kaya narealize ko... wala nga naman tayo masyadong tragic bitter-sweet Pinoy movies no? (YUNG HINDI Indie-film o kaya gawa ng MMK ha?!) Alam ko lang na mga tragic/bitter-sweet movies eh yung mga kina Vilma Santos, Nora Aunor, etc... na lumabas ATA nung pagkatapos o during Martial Law... kasi nga naman daming inspiration for those (mga libro ni Lualhati Bautista madalas, hehe). Sa dinami-dami ba naman ng natorture nung Martial Law... di ka ba naman ma-inspire o makakuha at least ng resource na pwede mag-account ng real-life experience nila nun.

Ngayong masaya na ang Pilipinas relatively... puro great escapes na ang theme ng mga movies KADALASAN... kung hindi fantasy, rags to riches, o kaya naman pakyut na love story na happy ending yung mga movies natin ngayon... di mo kelangan mag-isip... tatawa ka lang sa sine... lalabas... usap ng onti about sa pinanood mo... tatawa ulit... tapos di mo na siya kailangan isipin ulit.

Yung mga movies na kailangan pag-isipan... not always defined for the Everyman. Madalas may target audience: mga taong ayaw sa bakla, mga nagtataksil, etc. Siguro may kakarampot naman na designed for the regular tao... kaya lang... madalas nga Indie-Film... hindi accessible sa lahat. Kelangan mo tumayming sa sinehan o sa kung saan-saang theater... kung di swak sa schedule mo at kung di mo mabalitaan agad... sorry ka na lang. Hanap ka na lang ng torrent sa internet kung meron man.

So naisip ko... baka kaya masagwa... okay di naman masagwa... more like.... BIHIRA yung matitinong output ng movie industry ng Pilipinas.. kasi nga masayahin tayong mga Pilipino... there is nothing too tragic... there is nothing too bitter para sa atin... baka kasi alam natin na kahit gaano kadepressing (except siguro yung mga sobrang depressed, bipolars, at manic-depressive na tao) ang situation... habang humihinga tayo... darating at darating yung panahon na tatawa rin tayo... lahat ng tragedy pwedeng maiwan sa nakaraan. Di kailangan dalhin lahat ng baggage sa kasalukuyan... kasi mabigat at  mahal ang excess baggage haller! Magtanong ka pa sa airport!

Siguro kelangan na lang natin ituro sa movie makers na wag ibigay parati yung ending... pwede naman minsan tumigil dun sa part na parang mababaliw ka na kung di dumating yung bukas... Yung audience naman pag-isipin nila kung ano nga ba yung mangyayari bukas... Kung ano ba dapat nilang gawin para sumaya yung bukas.

Potaena! Ako na! Ako na! Ako na ang magaling! Hahahah! Bawal magpaka-emo?! At bawal mag-inarte?! Blog ko to! Magpapaka-emo ako kung gusto ko! Hahahahahahahah!

Invisible

Amazing!!!

Alam ko maitim ako... pero this was the first time I was ever treated as if I was invisible.

Tangina... weird!

I saw someone who I thought was still a friend. Big mistake. Apparently, di niya na ako kaibigan... or kilala man lang.

I didn't feel like napahiya ako or anything kasi alam ko naman sa sarili ko na kilala ko siya and I was still treating him like a friend when I greeted him. Di rin naman ako nasaktan... kasi hello lang! As if ang laking kawalan niya sa buhay ko. And no... I am not sourgraping. Di pa nga ako gaanong malungkot kasi di ko na rin naman siya nakakasalamuha talaga. Ang malungkot lang I think would be that my memories of him as my friend once would be tainted.

And why should they be tainted, you ask. Kasi apparently, he was not who I thought he was all along... and that is the saddest thing of all.

Naruto

Tae! Pati ba naman Naruto iiyakan ko?!?! Hahahaha!

Anime saka Manga... tulo luha, singot sipon na ako.

It hurts the heart demmit!

Emo mode.

Wala lang. Kanina pa ako emo.

Thanks friends for the texts/calls/emails na pangpa-cheer sa akin.

Di ko na alam kung may tumor ba sa ulo ko pressing down on kung-ano-mang-part-ng-utak-yung-in-charge-of-emotions ko kaya sobrang roller coaster ako ngayon. Although... siguro ok na rin to kasi at least pag emo ka... marami kang iniisip na sad, true! pero ok na rin yun kesa sheer boredom. May iniisip ka nga, pero batong bato naman yung utak mo sa iniisip mo.

Siguro alam ko kung bakit ako emo. Ayoko lang mag-delve into it or maybe aminin sa sarili ko yung totoong rason kasi baka sobrang depressing yung rason na makita ko at bigla na lang ako tumalon ng building. Exagg alam ko... pero you get the point!?

Other people may relish facing their problems head on kasi feeling nila sobrang strong nilang tao, as for me... I have an aversion to it... I usually procrastinate para lang maiwasan ko yung mga bagay na ayaw kong gawin.

OO MALI YUN! Alam ko! Pero kasi!!! Alam ko naman na mas mabuti pang gawin na agad yung mga kailangan gawin para di na siya nakatambay sa surface ng utak mo... BUT STILL!!! Di ko alam pero eh sa yun yung naka-program sa utak ko... postpone tasks I'd rather do without as long as I possibly can... (Now you know kung bakit gang ngayon di pa rin ako cleared completely sa dati kong kumpanya.)

Taena... napapaisip tuloy ako ngayon... uncomfortable thoughts o sheer boredom? What would I prefer?!

Taena! Sabi nga nila think outside the box....

HAPPY THOUGHTS COME TO ME!!! Ako na ang magulo ang bangs!

Napipikon ako

Yes. Kung for the past week eh sobrang bored ako.

Ngayong week... kung di ako umiiyak... highblood ako.

Alam ko di naman ako depressed ata... wala lang... bawal umiyak? Sarap kaya umiyak.

Di naman ako umiiyak ng walang dahilan. Tipong manonood lang ako ng movie, tapos may maiisip na ako tapos iiyak na ako. Tapos matagal ako iiyak. May isang beses muntik na ako umiyak with sound effects... pero di naman nag full blown hagulhol so keri lang.

Pero pag dumadating ako dito sa office mainit na ulo ko.

Little things set me off. Di naman ako nagwiwild or whatever. More like... sobrang annoyed lang ako na ayoko magcomment sa kung ano man. Kasi pag nagcomment pa ako tapos biglang kontrahin ako ng mga epal na tao eh baka makasapak talaga ako.

In fairness to me... kahit ilang beses ko na talaga gusto manapak ng tao... and even if madaming beses ko na sinabi na mananapak ako eh di naman talaga ako nanapak. Yung seryosohang sapakan I mean. Alam ko lang capable ako... pero nacocontrol ko pa naman yung urge of physically harming anyone who annoys me. Nung makita ko sa news yung mga nag-braw-brawl na babae, medyo thankful ako kasi di pa ako nasali sa ganung away ngayong di na ako nasa gradeschool. Hello!!! Nakakahiya lang kaya! May kahihiyan pa rin naman pala ako... apparently. Pero depende pa rin siguro sa cause kung magsusuccumb ako to the urge of smashing someone's face in.

Speaking of smashing a face, may isang beses pala na nanaginip ako, although I don't remember much of the dream, naalala ko medyo vividly yung last scene and what caused it.

Basta naalala ko, nagising akong sobrang galit na galit. Tapos yung last scene bago bumukas yung mata ko was me punching someone's face over and over and over and smashing her face into a car's window over and over. Sa pagkakaalala ko merged face ng isang college friend saka isang acquaintance yung babaeng yun. Ayoko sabihin pangalan nila hahaha! Baka kasi may mag-google ng pangalan nila tapos mag-appear tong blog na to! Shy ako! hahhah!

Anyway... sinapok ko pala ng paulit ulit yung babae kasi siya yung naging cause ng cardiac arrest ni Papa sa panaginip ko. Naalala ko nasa hospital na ata si Papa by that time tapos hinanap ko yung babae.

Di ko na maalala exactly pano kami napunta sa likod ng isang sedan, basta andun siya sa may right side tapos paulit-ulit ko sinusuntok yung mukha niya. Tapos pikon na pikon ako kasi di dumudugo yung mukha niya kahit anong lakas ng suntok ko. Well di naman ako nagtaka kung bakit di sumasakit yung kamay ko even when I'm trying my hardest to pound on her. Basta nung nakikita ko na di man lang nagkakapasa yung mukha niya, I tried grabbing her head tapos sinubukan ko talaga i-smash yung ulo niya dun sa bintana at kahit anong hampas ko sa ulo niya dun sa bintana, di rin nababasag yung bintana. Nagising akong sinasapok pa rin ng paulit-ulit yung mukha niya.

Di ko alam kung titigil ba ako kung nakita kung duguan na siya. I doubt it. I would have killed her if I could.

Yung siguro yung isa sa mga pinakanakakapikon na panaginip ko ever. I wanted to see her bleed demmit!

Ayan... di na ako masyadong pikon. Back to werk!

Crybaby

Pota! Ang alam ko si Kai ang pinakaiyakin sa aming lahat... pero taena...

IKAW NA! Ikaw na ang umiyak sa trailer ng Hachiko sa HBO! Hahahhaahhaha!

Bago ako umalis ng bahay... mag-da-daily facial routine na ako dapat (i.e. toner + moisturizer) in preparation para umalis ng bahay... (notice my soft and smooth skin????) at siyempre ginagawa ko 'to habang nanonood ng TV para naman di sayang oras...

Eh biglang pinalabas yung trailer ng Hachiko... MWAHAHAHA! Tulo luha galore ako! Pakshet!

Agjuli nakalimutan ko na yung moment na 'to kanina... eh kaso kinukwento ko kay Gem kanina yung plot naman nung kinuwento sa akin na film ni Santo (Aftershock)... hindi ko pa pala napapanood yung Aftershock... kinuwento pa lang sa akin...

so ayun.. habang kinukwento ko kay Gem biglang...

IKAW NA! Ikaw na ang umiyak habang nagkwekwento ng movie na di mo pa napapanood! Hahaha!

Howells! umiyak rin naman ako habang kinukwento ni Santo yung plot sa amin.

Why I haven't been exercising...

This is a groundbreaking post. I'm going to admit to myself why I haven't started to exercise yet despite all the reminders and all the logical reasons I have given myself.

For the past days/weeks/months I kept telling myself na... this is it! Gagalaw na ako! I keep planning for it in my head. I'm going to run sa UP Oval... around Ateneo... inside Moro Lorenzo... dito sa baba ng bahay ko. I keep planning how I'm going to do it. I'm going to run before I go to the office, after office... BUT I JUST CAN'T START!

I keep having this obstacles inside my head. If I run before I go to the office, I have to prepare my run clothes and my office clothes and my towel and my toiletries. I should run at 5 am so there'd be less traffic when I go to Ateneo... but then again, I'd be done by around 7-8am and there'd be traffic. I should run at around 10am. I should run at around 9pm, etc, etc, etc...

And then I thought... Taena bakit sa Ateneo pa? Bakit sa UP pa? I have 400m worth of running ground downstairs, around the "village", bakit di na lang ako sa baba tumakbo???

Kasi nahihiya akong makita ng mga guard na tumatakbo.


Hahahahahah! What a pathetic reason, but it's true. So bakit ako nahihiya? Kasi ayokong isipin nila na tumatakbo ako para pumayat. I guess, I think it is a vain thing to do... to try to lose weight just for the sake of losing weight. I try to think of myself as not a vain person kahit na alam ko paminsan minsan vain din siguro ako hehe! I have never exercised explicitly to lose weight. I have always done physical activities because of a certain goal. It has always been for softball training, or a personal requirement before a climb, or for a game, etc. I never went to the gym kasi gusto kong magpa-sexy.

I think I just find it distasteful for myself to act that way, kasi alam ko di ako ganung tao. I have friends who go to the gym to lose weight and I think it's ok for them kasi sila yun eh, that's how they are. But, I thought, that's not me.

Then again... I thought... POTEK! Ang arte ko! May pa-distasteful distasteful pa akong alam! Leche! Who's pretentious now?!?! Sino ba yung tataba kung iisipin ko yung iniisip ng ibang tao!?!? Sino ba yung magsasayang ng pera kasi kelangan nang bumili ng mga damit kasi di na kasya yung mga damit niya sa kanya??!?!? SILA BA!!?! HINDI!!! AKO!!!

Like what I said in one of my earlier posts... FUCK YOU ALL! PAPAYAT NA AKO!

p.s. already set my alarm clock to 1:30pm so I can run by 3PM... hehehe! I can always say... FUCK YOU ALL!!! pero kilala ko pa rin sarili ko... Procrastination is the name... but by 3PM it will be Ready, Get Set... GAME!

It's always darkest before the dawn

The first half of my 2010 was one of the darkest of my life. Sure, a star would flicker now and again, but the dark would always come back. It was a time when I didn't know what to do with my life. I was agitated the entire time but I didn't know what to do about it.

I wanted to do something, anything... for myself, but I didn't know what it was. Knowing what you want and doing everything you can to get it but not quite getting it... is one thing. You can always try again another time or find another way how to get it. NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT is another kind of a sonofabitch.

I'm not saying I know what I want in my life now, but at least I know some of the things I want to do... for now. I guess, I always knew I wanted to do these things but it's not easy to own up to what you want when you don't know where to start, when you have no idea HOW to start, when you have no inkling if you can really do it on your own.  But I guess the AAs got it right. The first step is admitting that you want it. THEN you find a way.

The second half of 2010 was my dawn. I got off my back, stood on my own feet, and restarted my life. It was still not the best of times. It is not yet the best of times. But at least... I got over one of the not-so-good times of my life.

I believe 2011 is my day. I know that it is a cliche to reboot on January. But then again, it is a cliche because it works and it is always good to start at the beginning. It may not work for some people, but I sure as hell am gonna try to make it work for me.

BESIDES, my birthday this year is 11-22-11... isn't it uber-fun!?!? Hahahahaha!

Thanks Man on the Motorcycle in Katipunan on Noche Buena Time

On the way to Eastwood, to meet Des and Axis, I realized that it was already 12 midnight. By this time, if I was with family we'd be hugging and kissing each other and greeting Daddy a Happy Birthday. I suddenly had tears in my eyes because I was starting to feel sorry for myself because I was in my car ALONE... when I should have been with family...

And then I saw a lone man on a motorcycle in Katipunan.

My tears just dried right up.

Thanks Des and Axis! Love you!

This is the first Christmas day that I spent alone.

I'm usually with my family at home.... Samar, Davao, HK, Subic... it didn't matter which home... I was always with my family come Christmas morning.

Christmas have always been a big deal to most people. It is especially a big deal for our family because, at the same time, it's Daddy's (my maternal grandfather) birthday. We're not always with Daddy on his day. But I've always been with family whenever we had to call and greet him Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I may not have been with my parents one Christmas years ago... but I was with family... my titos, titas, cousins, neighbors, etc...

Christmas, more than anything else, is a family tradition. When we were kids, it was the time of year when my cousins and I would wait for our parents to wake us up at midnight because Santa just came and delivered our presents and put them in our socks labeled with our names (we got apples, toys, and candies). It was the time of year when we would wait for Tito Wences and his family to arrive because they usually bring the ham.

It is on Christmas when we get our "longed-for" gifts. It was on Christmas when I got my first Brickgame (I got the one which had a really cool-looking interface [it was bulky and heavy and I could have killed my sister if I threw it on her head]; not to mention its 13 games-in-1 feature which, at that time, was super-duper high-tech and cool). It was on Christmas when I got my Scrabble boardgame (not the cheap kind by the way, I got the expensive one... the one which you can't fold because it had an ala- Lazy Susan feature).  It was on Christmas when I got my very own Word Factory. Ok, I just realized I had nerdy gifts. ANYWAY...

When Mommy (maternal grandmother) died, I guess we spent less effort on how we spent our Christmases as a family. Nevertheless, whatever kind of effort that went into the preparations... it was always with family.

Last midnight, Papa's been trying to call me. I did not answer his calls because I was so pissed that they didn't tell me earlier that they were going home to Samar and I had to spend Christmas on my own. (We'll I could actually have spent it with my Tita Iday, Mama's cousin). But I didn't really want to. It'll just remind me that I was not with my first cousins and my Titas and Titos (Mama's brothers and sisters) and Daddy, and Aubrey and Papa and Mama. I really wanted to go home and spend it with them and then maybe visit Mommy and Lola's grave in the morning.

I've been denying that I felt bad that I had to spend Christmas alone but I really wanted to wallow in self-pity today. But I'm glad I didn't.

Des have been haranguing me since I-can't-remember-which-time-of-the-week-this-week (ever since I ranted that Papa, Mama, and Aubrey left for Samar and left me for dead) that I should join her and Axis somewhere... I didn't really want to intrude because they might have their own family traditions. In short ayaw kong sumawsaw no!

Anyway, Des and Axis called yesterday  to check what my plans were. Since I didn't have any besides my spa reservations, I agreed to meet with them as soon as they're done with their family dinner (with Des' family) and I was done with, I didn't realize it then, my most-painful-spa-experience (SO FAR! ayoko magsalita ng tapos).

I met with them at Eastwood tapos nagpakabundat sa Seafood Islands kung saan naloko kami ni Axis ng Shrimp and Mushroom Sisig nila. WE DIDN'T KNOW IT HAD TOFU!!! What the !@#$%^&?!

We ate and laughed till 3AM. And then I had to shoo them away kasi turn naman ng pamilya ni Axis by Christmas Lunch and they still had to travel to Cavite.

Initially, I thought they usually spent their time after Noche Buena with friends and I was surprised to find out that it was also their first time to spend Noche Buena outside the house.

I guess... when family's not around... your other "family" catches you in time... before you fall splat on your face.

Love you Tess!

SHET NAKAKAMISS UMAKYAT!!!

GALAW GALAW!!!!

So you want to be a writer? (Do I?)

Wala lang... I found this poem. Tapos naisip ko... onga!

Di ko alam kung gusto ko ba maging writer or whatevs, pero minsan... I write kasi gusto ko lang may mai-post... Pero in fairness to me... I've also had that feeling when all I could think about is writing about something that happened . Taena, minsan nga sa sobrang dami kong gustong sabihin in such a short period of time eh pinuputakti yung sinulat ko ng wrong grammars at sandamakmak na mali-maling punctutations. But nevertheless, pag natapos ko naman isulat ang kung ano man.... charap! Feeling writer na naman akO! Hahahaahha! Howelllllsss!!!

Here it goes...

So you want to be a writer?

Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don't do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don't do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your

typewriter

searching for words,

don't do it.

if you're doing it for money or

fame,

don't do it.

if you're doing it because you want

women in your bed,

don't do it.

if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don't do it.

if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,

don't do it.

if you're trying to write like somebody

else,

forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of

you,

then wait patiently.

if it never does roar out of you,

do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife

or your girlfriend or your boyfriend

or your parents or to anybody at all,

you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,

don't be like so many thousands of

people who call themselves writers,

don't be dull and boring and

pretentious, don't be consumed with self-

love.

the libraries of the world have

yawned themselves to

sleep

over your kind.

don't add to that.

don't do it.

unless it comes out of

your soul like a rocket,

unless being still would

drive you to madness or

suicide or murder,

don't do it.

unless the sun inside you is

burning your gut,

don't do it.

when it is truly time,

and if you have been chosen,

it will do it by

itself and it will keep on doing it

until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Missing you...

We lost Mommy, my maternal grandmother, when I was in highschool... I thought we'd be done grieving after a few months... or even after a year or two.. considering that we were an extended family... we''ll that's what I thought... and I guess... I thought wrong.

Yes, we still miss her from time to time... we'd reminisce about what she used to say to us when we behaved badly, we'd reminisce about the things she used to do, the things she used to like. But we'd all remember it with a smile and a laugh.

I never thought that when caught in just the right moment and you hear one simple phrase that would remind you of the person you lost, or why you lost them... I never thought that it would actually set off the tears brigade... even after a decade has passed.

I write about this often enough, but usually with a smile on my face... it is only now that I write about this with tears on my face... and I guess this wouldn't be the last. Why is it that even when you know that a person's gone,   you only just do realize that they're not there when you want to hug them... but you can't.

I miss you Mommy!