Rants of a Confused Mind

I am numb! I am lost! I am confused.

I know what I should do about some things.

Still.. I know there's something else that I want to do, but I still don't know what that is. How can I move forward if I don't know what I want? I'm not even sure what I need. How will I go about life not knowing what I want or what I need?

I feel like I'm floating... I feel like I'm just floating... waiting to finally touch the ground... or maybe waiting for another gust of wind to blow me somewhere else... somewhere faraway... somewhere near... somewhere I've never been... or maybe even back to where I started.

Nakakapagod na magsulat about something metaphysical. I need something to start being concrete in my life. Kaso di ko alam what i can do about it.

Sabi nga nung kanta, "So many questions, but the answers are so few..." Ayus nga sana kahit konti lang yung sagot kung may clue man lang sana ako kung ano yung sagot.. or at the very least... some clues on what questions I should really be asking.

I feel so tired!

Tumakbo ako sa UP last Sunday and yesterday. Both days, may nakita akong kaklase nung highschool.

Yung isa di ko alam ano trip sa buhay. Di kami ganun katight eh. Hi-hello lang! Hahhhahah! Napakasama ko lang! Sobrang hesitant pa ako ibigay yung number ko! Akala mo napaka-in demand ko lang na tao. Wala lang. Di naman ako ginintuang tao, pero I really don't want to talk/mingle with people na di ko ganun ka-trip. I mean, why waste my time with people I don't really like that much when I barely have enough time to spend with the people I actually like?

Yung isang nakita ko naman, si JAP (dabarkads nung highschool). Hehehhe! Nakita niya ako nung bibili kami ni Zaxx (my new running buddy!) ng tubig. Buti pa si JAP, nag-P-PHD na!!! HAYHEYTHER! Hahahah! bitterness galore! Pero I'm so proud as well! Galing no? Ready to get into her thesis na daw siya. Hay shiyet! AKo kaya? Ano kaya mangyayari sa akin?

Wala lang. Point lang naman ng post na to... tumakbo ako ng dalawang araw... at dahil dun, I AM SO TIRED! I just want to sleep and think and eat and sleep and think and eat!

Target ko: Guiting-Guiting for APril 2014! Letscahmown!!!! Shet game game game game!!!!!! Unlike Kota, walang hotel sa taas nun, so di ko siya pwedeng ismolin! Takot na ako, pero I still have a lot of time to train, I really just need to constantly remind myself na tangina ka, mamatay ka sa Guiting kung magtamad-tamaran ka! Kaya let's CAHMOWN ME, MYSELF, and I!!!!!

INTP ako!

Most of the details in this post will be coming from: Personality Page
Got my result by taking the personality test in 16 Personalities

Hehheeh! Wala lang, this is what's taking most of my time right now. Reading about my personality. I'm narcissistic that way. Nung isang araw kasi humingi ng favor yung manager ko, kung pwede daw ba kami magparticipate dun sa sa isang quiz na kelangan niya for a class. Ako naman, with nothing else better to do: Sure! Henitayms! Saka mabait naman yung manager namin na yun, so I didn't mind.

Ayun pala personality traits quiz siya. I initially tested as an ISFJ. Mukhang swak naman dun sa ibang personality traits na nadescribe kaso parang may mga mali lang talaga! So I tried searching for another online test (see link above), and took the test again... The first test I took only had 2 possible answers each, Y or N. So medyo mahirap talaga sagutin lalo na kung tungkol sa kung pano ka mag-isip yung mga tanong... so malamang sa malamang hindi black and white yung sagot dun. Buti yung nakita kong bago may range of options na... So I guess it's more accurate. This time, INTP ako... which made more sense to me! Coffeemate! Hahahah!

Eto yung ISFJ (The Nurturer):
General Traits:

• Large, rich inner store of information which they gather about people --> ahm, I donk tink sow! sometimes only!
• Highly observant and aware of people's feelings and reactions --> If I care, oo... If I don't care about the person... HINDI
• Excellent memory for details which are important to them --> Important nga eh!
• Very in-tune with their surroundings - excellent sense of space and function --> i donk understand!
• Can be depended on to follow things through to completion --> Pag trabaho, malamang... Kung personal project... hindi ahahhah!
• Will work long and hard to see that jobs get done --> My job (and it's an exciting project?), oo!  Other people's job? Bolshet, gawin mo trabaho mo! O kaya nakakabatong job... gagawin ko ba tong blog post na to kung oo?
• Stable, practical, down-to-earth - they dislike working with theory and abstract thought --> I like to think I'm practical! I hate theoretical physics? Does that count?
• Dislike doing things which don't make sense to them --> Why would anyone enjoy doing things that don't make sense to them?
• Value security, tradition, and peaceful living --> OO naman!
• Service-oriented: focused on what people need and want --> hahahah! What a joke! If the "people" is ME.. pwede... hahaha!
• Kind and considerate --> Well, I don't think I'm inconsiderate...
• Likely to put others' needs above their own --> Check Service oriented comment! Hahahha!
• Learn best with hands-on training --> Yep!
• Enjoy creating structure and order --> Oo ata...
• Take their responsibilities seriously --> Oo rin...
• Extremely uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation --> I thrive in conflict! I don't confront, pero when confronted... I am like a tank na walang brakes at walang pang-atras gears!
  Strengths:

• Warm, friendly and affirming by nature --> pwede naman ako dito di ba?
• Service-oriented, wanting to please others --> ahmmm....
• Good listeners --> I say yes!
• Will put forth lots of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations --> siguro?
• Excellent organizational capabilities --> ahm... di ko sure?
• Good at taking care of practical matters and daily needs --> minsan?
• Usually good (albeit conservative) at handling money --> HAHAHAHAHHA!
• Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships --> I say YES Again!

Weaknesses:

• Don't pay enough attention to their own needs --> hahahahha! Eh napakaselfish ko lang kaya! hahahahah! Napakamali lang nito!
• May have difficulty branching out into new territory --> hmmmm...
• Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism --> Hahahahaha! Eh I thrive in conflict kaya!!! Well pag sigurado akong tama ako!
• Unlikely to express their needs, which may cause pent-up frustrations to build inside --> minsan siguro?
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship --> Hindi rin! hahahah! Kung nakakabwisit ka, bahala ka sa buhay mo... alam ko si Kai ang mahirap mag-let go! Nagso-sorry pa! hahahaha! Love you Kai!
• Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship --> Pwede...

CAREERS:

• Interior Decorators --> Sa mga nakapuntaha na sa bahay ko.. posible nga ba to?
• Designers --> Kung system design to... pwede!
• Nurses --> Eeeew!Ayoko ng nana!!
• Administrators and Managers
• Administrative Assistants
• Child Care / Early Childhood Development
• Social Work / Counselors
• Paralegals
• Clergy / Religious Workers --> Hahaha!
• Office Managers
• Shopkeepers
• Bookkeepers
• Home Economics

Now let's check yung INTP (The Thinker):
General Traits:

• Love theory and abstract ideas --> Parang hindi naman!
• Truth Seekers - they want to understand things by analyzing underlying principles and structures --> I think yes!
• Value knowledge and competence above all else --> i.e. AYOKO NG TANGA! Hahahha!
• Have very high standards for performance, which they apply to themselves --> tomoh!
• Independent and original, possibly eccentric --> Independent oo... Original at Eccentric? Parang hindi!
• Work best alone, and value autonomy --> Madalas oo!
• Have no desire to lead or follow --> hahahahaahha! Napakatama lang! Kung meron Dating Daan... Ako... may SARILING DAAN!
• Dislike mundane detail --> Hahhaahha! Taena may nasigawan na akong katrabaho dahil dito... He was sharing something with us, and he kept focusing on a useless info (well, I thought it was useless).... Eh napikon ako kasi gusto ko na mag-move on na kami dun sa important stuff... Hahahah! Binara ko while shouting telling him explicitly that I don't care and for him to move on to the next agenda (I didn't realize I was shouting, sinabi na lang sa akin ng iba later) Hahahah di ako kinausap ng ilang linggo nung nilalang! Hahahahha! Not my loss!
• Not particularly interested in the practical application of their work --> Minsan... As long as it works!
• Creative and insightful --> Hmmm...
• Future-oriented --> Hmmmm....
• Usually brilliant and ingenius --> Well, di ako nagsabi nito... hahahaha!
• Trust their own insights and opinions above others --> Eh kasi! Madalas tama ako!
• Live primarily inside their own minds, and may appear to be detached and uninvolved with other people --> Hindi naman ataaa....

Strengths:

• They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity --> I like to think so! Kaya love ko rin si Axis kasi childlike rin mag-isip! ahahhah!
• Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates --> Eh pano yan, di ako tuloy sa Australia.. Di ko makikita yung makaka "Hi MAYT!" ko! So wala akong mate.... pero tama rin to I think..
• Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically --> I like to think so (again!)
• Richly imaginative and creative --> Imaginative, oo... Creative? Parang hindi...
• Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism --> yuh, because I donk kir! Hahaha!
• Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs --> Yes! low-maintenance ako... 6-pack or 8-pack abs na mahihigaan at ice-cream lang kelangan ko.

Weaknesses:

• Not naturally in tune with others' feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs --> ahm ewan ko? Alam ko manhid ako minsan... ito ba yun?
• Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions --> hmmm... parang kaya ko naman makipagsigawan kung kailangan...
• Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others --> kasalanan ng tatay ko! Hahahha!
• Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns --> YOU KNOW IT!!!
• They have difficulty leaving bad relationships --> Hindi nga! Kaya ko nga iwanan ang epal! In short, na-transcend ko na tong weakness na to... I AM STRONG!!!!
• Tend to "blow off" conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they "blow up" in heated anger --> AHM... HAHAHAHAHAH!

CAREERS:

• Scientists - especially Physics, Chemistry --> almost became one! Well... a Researcher in Physics at least...
• Photographers --> I enjoy pretty pictures, so pwedeng may sense!
• Strategic Planners --> hahaha! Bakit kaya? Kasi puro plano ako?
• Mathematicians --> Madalas na advise sa akin ng Guidance Counselor... kaso ayoko mapunta sa insurance dati! ahahaha! Look who my client is now!
• University Professors
• Computer Programmers or Systems Analysts --> DING! DING! DING! DING! I'm on the right track!!! Akalain mo! hahaahha!
• Technical Writers
• Engineers
• Lawyers / Attorneys
• Judges --> well judgmental ako minsan!
• Forensic Research
• Forestry and Park Rangers

OK... so I therefore conclude... INTP ako!

Plans in Life

I need to have a  routine. I'm aimlessly wandering again. I need a routine and I need a goal.

For now, papayat na muna ako. Hahahah! I knooooow!!! Deeeep!!!

But howell, ganyan talaga ang buhay... minsan sa sobrang complicated halos malunod ka na sa problema... minsan naman ikaw na mismo ang maghahanap ng pwedeng problemahin.

At dahil ang pinakamalaki kong problema eh ang napakalaki kong timbang ngayon... sige yun na muna.

At dahil antagal ko na sinusubukan pumayat pero pa-chill chill lang ang rules ko sa sarili ko... kaya naman wala rin talagang nangyayari. I've started moving again, slowly but surely... naglakad na ako sa Aguinaldo last week for a total of almost 8K... so good start na di ba?

Eh kaso... ang sarap magpadeliver nung weekend! Hahahahah! bolshet lang! Pinagod ko lang sarili ko pala! Kasi bawi lahat ng nilakad ko and more! hahaha!

So ganito na lang, aside from continuing the alay lakad plans sa Aguinaldo...

DAPAT tubig galore (no soda); at
DAPAT less than or equal to 75 pesos lang ako per meal. Meal defined as Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner; at
DAPAT less than or equal to 25 pesos lang yung snack. Snack, i.e. 9AM recess or 3PM merienda! (parang grade school lang)

exception: Pag kasama ko sila Mama at Papa! Hahahahaha! Siyempre kelangan ko pakainin sila Mama at Papa pag kasama ko sila di ba? saka di ko naman sila pwedeng tipirin... at di rin naman ako martyr para tumingin lang sa kinakain nila.. sabi ko gusto ko pumayat... hindi maging santo sa kamartiran!

So.... bottom line.... tipid na sa calories, tipid pa sa pera! Wooohooooo! Okay, kahit try ko muna to for one week, then 2 weeks... then isang buwan... then... a basta one week muna... Wag muna akong ambisyosa masyado... ONE ZTEP AD A DIME!

Go ME!!!!!!

Just in case iniisip niyo... bakit 75 pesos per meal?  Eh kasi 75 pesos yung 2 pc burger steak sa jollibee!!! hahahahaha! At kung di man ako magluto at magdrive thru ako... at least alam ko yun lang pde ko kainin! Bawal na extra order! Hahahha! Kung di kayang i-scrap completely, find a way to make it work! Hahahah!

Ahahahahaha! Regularity!

Sinong regular na? Hahhaahaha! 15 pa dapat ako slated for regularization pero since may feedback na yung mga counterpart ko... apparently, regular na ako.

Ayus! At least pede na (biglang dumating yung offshore manager namin dito sa tabi ko! Hahahhaha!)... sasabihin ko sana...

AT Least pede na magsabi ng mga reklamo without fear of retribution! hahaah! Well... dati balak ko magpakakontrabida. Pero balak ko ngayon matuto na lang ulit as much as I can, earn as much as I can... then move on ulit.

Bahala na yung mga sinungaling, Diyos na bahala sa kanila. Ngayon pa lang ubos na yung leaves ko! Hahaha kasi pinayagan na rin ako mag-leave sa May 21-24.. Vietnam here I come!!!

Pero bago ang Vietnam, Boracay here I come!!!! Taena sana di drowing tong mga plano sa buhay!

Cynicism

Wala lang... I just realized that cynics are the most annoying people to have around you.

I know I sometimes am one, but I will endeavor to be less and less being such each day. Kasi ayoko maging annoying.

I love fantasizing, dreaming and thinking that things will work out for me eventually. I don't need cynics around me. Pero yun nga lang.... delusional people can sometimes get in my nerves too. Yung tipong akala mo kung makapagsalita eh di alam ang realities of life... Yung sobrang weird lang na akala mo lahat ng pangyayari sa mundo ay positive lahat.

Alam ko naman pag nangangarap lang ako... Ayoko lang ng mga taong akala mo wala ng rason para mabuhay pa sa mundong 'to tapos idadamay nila ako sa kabadtripan nila sa mundo. Ayoko rin ng mga taong nabubuhay lang sa isang pangarap.

In short, a healthy dose of fantasy and "uncommon" sense is good to have, for me at least. But it needs to be accompanied with a shot of awareness of reality as well.

Wala laaaaaang!!!!! Hehehehe!

Something Wonderful...

I've always thought that sometime, somewhere... SOMETHING WONDERFUL will happen to me.

Kaso my goodness gracious... Kelan pa kaya?!?!?! Batong bato na ako kakaantay sa something wonderful na yan.

Di ko alam kung guni guni ko lang ba o talagang lakas lang talaga ng utak ko mag-delusion pero I feel like I'm meant for something more. NO! HINDI KO PA ALAM KUNG ANO YUNG SOMETHING NA YUN! Kung alam ko sana eh di sana isinulat ko na kung ano, di ba?!

Eto na naman ako, dumadaan sa midlife crisis... actually di ko na alam ang average mortality rate ng mga tao so di ko lam kung midlife crisis nga bang maituturing to... Pero basta eto na naman! Magulo na naman utak ko kung ano gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko.

Di pa ako burnt out sa work - which is good. Pero wala rin naman ako sa point na magtatatalon ako sa sobrang tuwa. Keribels lang. Medyo may stress factor yung work, pero keri lang.

Pero the thing is... yun nga... keri lang... Feeling ko, kelangan ko parati ng pressure. Nasanay ata ako dati na feeling ko babagsak ako parati sa mga subjects ko, kahit hindi naman.

EWAN! EWAN! EWAN! Di ko alam kung ano ba gusto kong isipin at di ko alam kung ano nga ba gusto kong gawin sa buhay. The world is my oyster sabi nga nila pero potek! AYOKO NG OYSTER! Hahahahah! Okay natawa ako sa sarili kong joke!

ANYWAY, di ko alam ano nga gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko... pero alam ko lang... I can not stay this way for much longer. I need something to change. Di ko pa alam kung ano yun. Basta something needs to change. I am just so fucking bored it's not even funny. I need a new goal to work on.

Hindi pwede sa akin yung parang lumulutang lang sa mundong to. I need to work on something. Ok fine... Kelangan ko na pumayat. Hahahahha! Yan lang naiisip ko na goal for the mean time.

Taena, maplano na nga ng matino yung pagbabalik loob ko sa paggalaw. SEXY BODY HERE I COME! Taena, the whole year kong goal yung pumayat ulit at never ko binalak nung sinimulan kong isulat tong post na to... But apparently, there is that one factor in my life that I need to work on, I just realized while writing the few paragraphs above this.

I look like a sexy cow now. I guess, I might as well work to look like a sexy gazelle or something. Cow kasi alam kung malaki ako, pero sexy pa rin.. KASI I'M ALWAYS SEXY, AND I KNOW IT! hahahahahah! And since mukhang mababaliw na ako sa boredom sa buhay kong to... might as well career-in ko na ang pumayat ulit before I work on some other aspect of my life... Siguro pag payat na ako, I'll have other issues in my life that I'll be ready to work on.

Ok fine. Game on! NO TO EXTRA RICE! NO TO SODAS! RUN RUN RUN! HERE I COME! Mwahehehe! Lalo pa may nahanap na akong great locale for running, Aguinaldo I will be there! See yah!

to do:

Make plans.

Stick to the plan!